CATASTROPHE OF LOST LIVES
by evinaadlene
Summary: war seemingly lost,lives scattered. Hermione tries to cope.But is she strong enough to watch her soul-mate torn apart for the sake of world's safety? Graphic torture,violence after chapter 4,Don't read if weak hearted. warnings for prologue nd chaptrs 4,8
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a property of J.K. Rowling. All copy writes received by her. I'm just trying to get this story out of my head...  
**  
Warning: This story contains angst, violence, self harm and sexual situations. RATED K+ /T FOR MOST CHAPTERS.

I will be putting warnings when it's at its highest.  
_A / N: this is my first story. If you think it isn't interesting, or nor worth it I'm really sorry, because this is my first fan fiction writing. This is set after half blood prince and deathly hollows never happened. And two more things..._

_*also to all who already started reading this...I've been re-editing some stuff.. the plot won't change... but some details will be added... _

_* I'm re posting this part... because I've made some critical spelling errors.. sorry about that... and this was pointed out by Anon... thanx for the review.. and I don't think you are being a git... thank you for caring enough to review... I'm not a perfect writer but I would like to be... only thing.. I'm not only focusing on the Arrrgh moments...if you read the whole thing you'll get it.. hope it's not a claptrap though.._

…

**** Dark/ Violence alert... Do not read if you are sensitive..Go on to the next part*****

_Prologue _

_The red searing iron sticks were sinking their intense, emanating gruesome smell of burned flesh on the raw wooden table in the corner. Several knives and razor blades in different sizes and cutting edges lay scattered discoloured and clammy with blood. _

_The metal chair next to the table was now loose with its spiked straps hanging down, greasy redness dried in to its hideous thorns spread across the backrest footrests and armrests in a sickening way. About its armrests, on the floor, were bits of skin and pieces of human nails.. torn out of the fingers of their owner. The metal tongs responsible, hung behind the chair with a set of neck shackles and a whip, trickling lines of thick redness down the wall new and fresh upon its dirty patches._

_Looking at the glistening red lines dipping down, he let a tear trickle down his face with a concealed whimper as long fingers slithered along the dozen of needles stick to his naked abdomen. Even a whimper sounded hoarse after hours of screams..._

_His feet were bare and the trouser from waist to ankle sponged his skin with his own sweat and blood. His glasses were gone.. yet eyes spelled to sight.. to witness his own mutilation..._

_Metal shackles moved somewhere near and a round faced boy growled angrily pulling his wrists, which were dragged up, hanging him with feet barely touching floor._

'_Leave him' he grunted at the blond haired man on the floor who was suffocating the boy who still lived. _

_The iron hand which held Harry to his captor by neck, tightened.. pressing him ruthlessly to the leather clad body, tearing the oozing welts on his back. He could not suppress the sob .. he knew he couldn't. His nail torn hands hung from his shoulders, useless in protecting him, they bore welts running deep in to his flesh and in to his bones. He was spread loosely leaned to his tormentor's body as forced... as a puppet that moved out of command._

'_Leave him alone at least now you bastard!' snarled the voice between shackles... _

_The long fingers slithered further.. and without a warning they pulled out a four inch spike out of the skin dripping blood. The pain lingered bitterly even after his cry. _

'_Leave him ALO..ONE' he listened to the hoarse voice again.._

'_and do exactly what Longbottom?.. The Slithery voice of Lucius Malfoy came beside Harry's ear. '...start with you?' several voices sniggered. 'Harry here knows this is his penance for defying our great lord... Don't you Harry?' Lucius Malfoy brought the needle he plucked out to Harry's face.. drawing curves and lines along the way methodically... drawing blood. Harry whimpered with sobs sweeping his bare feet over the dusty floor. _

'_for the love you have for the filths of muggles... you are happy to find yourself subjected to their methods until the very end... isn't it Potter?' _

_Holding down his prays face to his own Malfoy started pushing the four inch needle in to the yet unspoiled cheek, taking his time with pain. Harry struggled weakly, sobbing with gritted teeth, his feet and hands shaking as if in a in a rigid shock of pain. Harry felt the sharp edge of the needle clatter with his teeth inside...and taste of blood inside his mouth keen as he moved._

'_Kill him then ...' Neville breathed desperate... 'Isn't it enough what you did to him already?... Let him die'... Malfoy sniggered to Harry's ear.._

'_You'll like that Harry.. Don't you?.. But alas... we have so many plans aren't we?' death eaters around who were greedily watching laughed... _

_Malfoy forced Harry forward. the needles pinned in his body pressed in ruthlessly oozing blood down to the waist of his trouser... all he could do was whimper out of his non responsive body. _

_He felt only half conscious when Malfoy stood up.. dragging his body up.. He hung on Malfoy's frame as a ragged doll. His abdomen flamed as the torn skin stretched as well as the skin in back. _

_He heard as in a dream Neville shouting again... and Malfoy's provoking voice replying.. yet he couldn't work out their words... he felt Malfoy dragging him forward by a grip on his neck.. But he couldn't walk.. his legs gave away... then Malfoy pushed him down letting him fall on the dozen of pins. He agonizingly felt the sharp edges piercing in and everything was going dark around him... the blessed unconsciousness... _

_But with a tousle of a cloak he heard Malfoys' slithering voice... 'Hiding away boy..? .. I don't think so...what did we say about resting?' he felt a painful grip pulling his head up by his hair..._

'Reviveo _..! _Reviveo_! _

_His senses began to focus again as he heard the Neville's protesting cries.. _

...

Well... I warned. Just the prologue.. but if you have comments spit it out...

But do not misunderstand this for a just dark torture. This is not about a torture chamber guys. More to come...


	2. 1 Missing

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a property of J.K. Rowling

Warning: This story contains angst, violence, self harm and sexual situations. RATED K+ /T FOR LATER CHAPTERS  
A / N: this is my first story. If you think it isn't interesting, or nor worth it I'm really sorry, because this is my first fan fiction writing. This is set after half blood prince and deathly hollows never happened.

…

"I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
Your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase" – EVANESCENCE/ My Immortal

"Professor Granger"

Hermione raised her head from the pile of second year Transfiguration assignments she had been marking. A fourth year girl with red hair stood in front of her desk. She was a Gryffindor… member for the house Quiddich team. She had a sudden instinct of someone she knew which made her jolt in the pit of her stomach with memories of her school years. It has been almost three and a half years.

"Professor..?'

The girls' voice brought her back to a puzzled gaze. She had done it again, letting her pathetic emotions to get to her. Hasn't she? Not good. Not good at all. 'Yes?' she said tapping to get over the embarrassment of being court up with...What was that...a wrakspot? Arrgh. She blinked hard.

"Head Mistress asked to give you this" she handed a folded parchment with her name written.

"Thank you Miss Sullivan". She sighed watching the girl pass through the class room door. It is only a day before Christmas holidays. What could possibly be urgent for McGonagall to not to wait until lunch? Slight chance of it being anything to do with transfiguration lessons…She opened to see a rather short note.

_Miss Granger,_

_Please be present at the professor Slughorns' Christmas party._

_Say nothing to no one. _

_McGonagall_

What the..? She couldn't wait two hours to tell this by herself, and the Christmas party? Christmas? She thought with annoyance creeping in a high level for the ridicules request. And she felt strange. McGonagall never talked to her on anything personal. She had strictly limited the relationship with her to be official, not only she never talked to by any name other than Granger but also was careful to not slip the words Potter or Wesley ever.

And Hermione never attended gatherings, especially if it contained more than three people to count. McGonagall knew.

Not that there were many of course. With outside world engaged in a hide and seek with death eaters, festivities were clearly beyond the point, skip Slughorns' taste for dine with his barking favorites who acted as nothing is wrong, inside the protection of Hogwarts.

Hogwarts is of course one of those rare places which has not been entirely taken over by Voldemort and his followers… yet. Maybe they are just bidding time. Hermione knew it's not far the time when she has to flee alone for her life with no able McGonagall to protect her by taking her to aside from other muggle-borns as she did. And by the way with Snape sneaking around at his highest, she should expect the worst soon.

It was not that magical world was in an open chaos. The ministry still stood with Kingsley Shacklebolt as the minister since three years after Rufus Scrimgeours' death by death eater attack. But now the Voldermort and the dark side had started playing a new game alongside the ministry to the public eye, only nagging their old ways from behind. Everything had become a political arena than an open war.

Everything was different three years back when she Ron and Harry finished their schooling. Times had been cold then with war. Yet there was a clear resistance and they were fighting against an open course. With Dumbledore's' fall which followed by Scrimgeours' six months after, Kingsley and Moody became the prime leaders in order of the phoenix, closely followed by _McGonagall and Lupin._ Many of the DA members joined to the order as junior members with Harry Ron and her with Harry resembling the iconic figure of Dumbledore. With Harry moving to Grimmauld place it became the permanent head quarters for the Order. And rather than leaving as he planned Harry stayed carrying the Dumbledore's mission from there, traveling around secretly with Ron and Hermione.

Hermione smiled to herself remembering the time when they were actively occupied in resistance, making plans and learning stuff that many wizards had not even heard of in their older years.

The bell rang waking her up to the present as she sighed wiping out hair from her face. She got up and collected the assignment piles to put in to the cupboard. She'll have to mark them tomorrow if she was going to tonight's…whatever it is. What a waste of time. She started walking to the great hall. Maybe she can talk to McGonagall there and ask her what's so urgent.

She sighed again old memories stalking in to her mind. She never thought about them. Not if she could help it.

But it was all going well three years back, with hopes that everything would be normal again. Yet Voldemorts' creeping in to the every part of the wizardry world shattered everything step by step by carful strategies. It started with Voldemort lying low again after Scrimgeours' death, bidding his time until his tactful men clear the passage for him to come to the public in a politically formed way.

And the political plan they carried was much difficult to resist unlike the open war. With ministry pure blood influences of their side, they were able to raise a point to justify muggle resistance blaming muggles' objection and suspicion through magic. And it started debates in political arena dividing the wizard population to two groups in which Voldemort image was rebuilt as a politician, a rebel or even a martyr to muggle cruelty. And the name of Harry potter was also dragged in with his muggle experiences which were not quite rich... though they had no idea how Voldemorts' side found out.

And with it Voldemorts' ministry henchmen began their mission in whitening Voldemorts' acts blaming the contents of prophesy to state that it was that fear and uncertainty for life which made Voldemorts' acts against the Potters. And in clear path to peace Harry Potter and Voldemort should come to a pact of magical impotence to each other as stated by them. And with fear of the ways things have been going and knowing he would be unable to refuse to corporate for a ministry order if it comes to that., Kinsley sent Harry to a hiding cutting down his connections from all the order including Ron and Hermione. And while all of this was happening on surface the Order of the phoenix was carefully exterminated either by killing, threatening, and bribery or as her Harry and Ron ... separation.

Maybe Snape was behind it all and Malfoy. Who were able to pass new laws on muggle-borns and their supporters restricting their magic unless tested for the contribution for magical world and vowed by a recognized figure of pureblood. With senior Malfoy buying his way in to wizardgomate along with six of Voldermorts' henchmen it shouldn't have been that hard. Hermione had been saved of course by the head mistress of Hogwarts assigning her to the subject of transfiguration teachings and researches for the ministry. But she knew she had been one of the very few.

Muggle born restrictions were only one of many a changers. Dying of resistance groups was the highest victory Voldemort got in Hermione's opinion. Since Malfoys goting over the Daily prophet, Quibber and almost all other news papers it had been an easy thing to achieve.

With Snapes' strategies of lesser violence to lay low until the public calm down on dark lords' new kind of invasion, there were less articles on death eater murder and violence. The less the articles became, wizard public became less enthusiastic for resistance which lead to a political invasion at the beginning. But everything had been too late when violence started to creep in for anyone who would protest. Auror office had been taken over by death eaters with fewer old members still laying low including Ron who joined Auror training as soon as he got out of Hogwarts. And Hermione had to cut off all her connections to him to avoid suspicions of resistance which might have ended in both of their lives, being closely watched for a reason for extermination.

The ministry is a mixture of death eaters and purebloods who no longer saw any real reasons for resistance on Voldemort. Kingsley and few others are still there, unable to act, knowing the first step against any of this would be their death. So it is not an open chaos that everything was in. but a hidden utter desperation which only solution was to lay low with given opportunity.

She entered the great hall with a twig of annoyance to see no McGonagall there. Snape, the only death eater inside the castle gazed at her with his usual greasy scowl. Maybe she reminded him that they still had not got Harry Potter. Or have they? Kidnapped and exterminated secretly as many order members. She wasn't sure any more. Shut up...

She regained her posture and walked her usual self with a grim gesture to Snape sitting between Slughorn and Binns replying to their nods as well. Let's pretend everything is safe and sound now... my foot.

Slughorn turned to her with the sluggish smile possible

"Would you be joining us tonight Miss Granger... I have a rather exiting list of guests from government transfiguration research team of France…Ralph Goodwill leading the team of course, one of my earliest pupils from Hogwarts'. No offence but she despised him for his open false delusion of believing everything was quite alright and normal around. "Severus… you remember him undoubtedly, exceptional potions knowledge he had. And his contribution to body slim potion is quite recognized by witch weekly"

Snape snorted. "I'm not some sappy woman wallowing in mid age crisis to read witch weekly Hoarse, surely you notice" said he not bothering to look up from his grimace.

'Of course of course, Quite occupied you are Severus. We are not being graced with your presence tonight I assume?' Slughorn remained in his light gesture. 'I will be visiting the minister for a policy discussion on Hogwarts admissions.'

'Of course of course… miss granger what about you' Hermione gazed at him and smiled.

'Your former friend Dean Thomas and Bill Weasley had confirmed their coming, not to mention your research head Mr. Knockdom.'

"I'll be there" she said feeling Snapes' side scowl on her with the mention of a Weasley.

She hated meals at Great Hall since she came back. It was torture join in for staffs' small talks with a scowling Snape and a moody McGonagall, pretending the world is a merriment and all her friends had gone on a holiday, and bad enough to be looking at house tables ignoring her own weakness on avoiding to look at Gryffindor table which flashed Rons' and Harrys' faces to her sentimental self. But she had no better choice than to play as she had added them to her past, in a world where Voldemort is becoming not only accepted but respected to his gallant beliefs and ideas in the political muddle.

After dragged moments of similar tortures Hermione went off to her private suites locking the door behind. Still two in the evening, she gazed at her watch. She had almost five hours to waste. Maybe a few hours nap would help her to get distracted to make up her head to face a crowd.

She changed her robe to her least favorite green pijamas and fell in to the small couch with the book 'Transfiguration: trends of recent years' after almost diving herself in her altered locker of books. Turning to page three hundred and thirty four she hesitated. She had not done this in quite a sometime, a year maybe. But the girl who delivered her the McGonagall's' message had made her stalked by her demons dragging the old memories back.

She gazed at the empty page for a while and pressed her thumb at the center of the page. "_rubber ducks_" she whispered with a bitter smile. And the colours emerged in the blank paper revealing three figures arm to arm with each other. Two boys in their best black suits, one with red hair with over loaded freckles in his face and the other with jet black messy hair and green eyes hiding behind round black framed glasses…. and a girl with golden brown hair in the middle with a dull gold dress. They beamed at her while the girl squeezed both the guys and beamed more. Hermione kept her gaze to the three people who were in utter merriment at the Bill and Flures' wedding three and a half years back, who did not have a clue of what was to come just an years after. It seemed as in another life time.

What would not she give now to go back to those moments... at least to get a glimpse of what made her her-self, In between her best friend and her impossible crush of a read head?

She is missing them now who had turned just to fragments of memories from a cruel war of power greed.

She shut the book suddenly feeling a tear tickling down her cheek and closed her eyes. Not bothering to open up she dropped the book to the floor and waited to sleep to take over.

...

Comments?


	3. 2 A thread to hold

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a property of J.K. Rowling

Warning: This story contains angst, violence, self harm and sexual situations. RATED K+ /T FOR LATER CHAPTERS  
A / N: this is my first story. If you think it isn't interesting, or nor worth it I'm really sorry, because this is my first fan fiction writing. This is set after half blood prince and deathly hollows never happened.

…

At seven in the afternoon Hermione was walking on the corridor to Slughorns' suite. She has chosen the up to knee, amber silk dress she bought almost two years back for her graduation. Getting dressed felt strange to her now, not having done it for some time. She felt uncomfortable and over exposed than her usual dull green robe she always wore. Nearing the entrance she saw people, chattering in groups. Some students who were favored enough to get in to the party stared at her, seeing her in a dress for the first time. Can't blame them for her choice in wearing the hair loose as in old school days, she regretted it now. Why didn't she stick to her robes? She wished that she could find McGonagall soon and end this night, but standing near the entrance, she could see no McGonagall in side.

She hesitated seeing the crowded room which had been extended to a small hall. I hate crowds... she told herself sighing.

A young man with bony long hands waved at her hurrying his way to her direction leaving his chatting group by the door. "Ms. Granger...how wonderful to see you here. You look stunning as ever… much more than your usual self but... I must add."

"Thank you Wilby. Good to see you too. How is the research on red Gilly plants going?" she asked politely in a dry tone.

Wilby smiled mischievously. "I know how arid hearted you are on the whole topic of Herbology but it is a very fascinating area... did not see you in research section for some time. You did not quit did you?"

"Of course not,.. doing a bit of background studies on bodily transfigurations. And students demand more time than five days in a week." She smiled waving back to Slughorn who had waved at her and now hurrying his way to her. "I will see you Wilby" she said walking towards Slughorn.

"Ms Granger… I must add that you look absolutely dazzling… I told Mr. Knockdom that you will be coming. He was most impressed with your work you know… I told him that you were quite the academic brilliance in your grade at school."

"Thank you professor" she smiled with an unease sense for people gazing at her.

"He will be most willing to talk to you Ms. Granger. Do enjoy your time. Shall I get you a drink?"

"No need. I'll fetch myself thank you. Do see to your guests".

He took her hand with a small bow and shook lightly. With him stepping away Hermione found herself in middle of a crowd of well dressed people. Tables were filled with all sorts of food. But she felt no appetite. Several people looked at her...and more lingered the gazes with murmurs welding up. How long will it take for McGonagall to appear? She walked to a table with only two occupants and five empty chairs, and sat furthest from company and tried to pretend her ears did not exist.

"_Is that… Hermione granger..?" "Harry Potter's sidekick" _

"_She's a mudblood isn't she? Wonder how she got off"_

"_She looks so young".. "She is young"_

"_Think she has contacts with him?"_

"_Poor dear, I hear he abandoned her when he flee" "he didn't flee"_

"_I remember reading she dated Ronald Weasley too. Harry potters other friend" .._

"_she was with them both"… "Both at once?"... "What do you expect.. How else could she become level with them? She's' low blood"… "She look stunning though" "they all do.. muggles know how to look after them." "Tell me how you know them so well Shelton?" "Night outs in dirty streets?" there was a crack of laughter. "Let's say I get myself oiled" "she would…."_

"Hermione?"

She heard a familiar tone which dragged her to herself again. Dean stood in front of her, the only other muggle-born apart from herself in her batch to be appointed for a job, backed by Shamus's father. He had been living in their home until Seamus body was found drowned. The official reports claimed it's a suicide. Yet they knew better giving the fact that Seamus disappeared two days back delivering potions goods to Moody.

Dean looked taller than she last saw him a year back in Semuses' funeral. Instead of usual self now he had a tiresome and out of place look in him. Haven't they all? She gazed at him with loss of words. What can you say when you come across with a broken piece of a lost possession which was so dear, after losing it years ago.

"Dean" she muttered knowing he felt the same as her. Someone moved behind Dean. She looked at Bill Weasley, who nodded and gazed away with her lingering gaze. "How are you Bill?"

she asked as Bill sat next to her. Bill looked at her tightly squeezing her hand under the table "Doing fine ...you?"

She gestured "same as I last met you year and a half ago..." she forced a smile. "Fine I guess… everyone else?" she thought of Ron. Does he know his brother is here today?

"They are coping up fine." He sighed. "Dean s' leaving the country tomorrow.. For France, is it Dean?"

Dean nodded. "Think I had enough setting reports for the ministry" he voiced in a controlled tone. Silence followed them for some moments.

Then Dean leaned forward a bit. "Anything from anyone?" his voice was a barely whisper. Hermione gazed at him and Bill shook his head barley.

They were silent for few more moments before Dean leaned further to Hermione and Bill. He gazed around, only moving eyes as if to check any ones attention on them. But the place was too crowded for anyone to see them rather than from few feet. And none around them were paying much attention to them as a famous celebrity actress had stepped in with her recent love interest wearing half a dozen rubies.

"Listen…" Dean said as if he could hold no more.

"I've been following their traces on Lupin from the ministry. You might have seen the article on prophet… They are saying he's on illegal dragon blood transporting…"

Bill shook his head again "it's obvious they just want him in somehow. They've been doing it over a year now. He's well known to be in the Order."

Dean leaned closer impatiently... "Of course their previous accusing on him was false.. But I think something is up… order is planning something. I don't think it's just bluff this time."

"Order is finished Dean" said Bill in a grim tone without taking his eyes off the young man who sounded enthusiastic.

"According to ministry tracings... Lupin had been on some business in west coast." said Dean ignoring the previous statement. "Aurors had been alerted and raids had been set. When aurors got to the place Lupin had been spotted. But he had disappeared in front of them after aurors casting non-transportation spell all over the place." Dean paused at Hermione's' dead stare.

"So…?" asked Bill with few minutes of silence, with two colleges staring at each other. Hermione couldn't take her eyes off Dean who stared back with a calculating gaze at her. "you think.."

"…yes" he said cutting her off. Hermione bit her lip. Can it be possible?

"What is it?" Bill asked her. She gazed at him tightly. It took her few moments to find her voice.

"Three years back something similar happened...in Godric's Hollow" she took a breath "… two of us from DA got trapped while others had the time to escape a death eater circle. We were on a hunt for a… something."

" I remember the last minute escape of you and Harry" Bill frowned. "What are you trying to say?"

"We used his invisibility cloak to escape. Remember?"

"So I heard… are you trying to say he was with Lupin at this supposed moment?"

"It's a possibility" said Dean. Bill sighed. "Who else has such a thing as this cloak?" added Dean matter-of-factly. "Disappearing charms can be detected. And it needs an incarnation as well. A person can't just disappear from view. Not Lupin at least unlike Dumbledore or you-know-who"

"You believe that?" Bill gazed at Hermione. She did not know what to say. Was it possible that Harry came near the death eater rounds? with the state of the things going... Will Lupin risk it dragging him from safety...? _If he was in safe_ty?

"Ok maybe Lupin only had the cloak… any cloak with invisibility. It doesn't matter. What matters is that something is on move. Order is on move." He said his voice hushed than before.

"And there is another thing.' Dean leaned to Hermione closer. 'The last trace of Lupin was in Hogshead. There had been light murmurs among top aurors as if they believe there had been a gathering of the left bits of Order."

"That's impossible" protested Bill. "At least my father would have known if something like that is going on"

"They had McGonagall questioned today. As well as Pomfry." Dean confided.

Hermione gripped her sides. McGonagall...?

"Pomfry is not in the order Dean" said she.

What's going on? Headmistress had told her to come here. But she has not been anywhere to be seen. Is it true that something is going on?

"But if they are gathering again we have to get to them"

"Look Dean" said Bill matter of factly, "we like to hold on to the least bit of hope we have, to think that it's going to be different. But you will be leaving tomorrow and all Weasley heads are at stake .. I'm not even mentioning Hermione. Half a mistake from any of us... all our heads will be gone. Hermione is in a lion's den …with Snape around, watching her moves like a hawk. Any of us are hardly in a place to support anything"

"But if Order..'

"Order is finished Dean" Bill lowered his voice more, just for three of them. "Dumbledore is dead, killed by Snape, Moody dead, Tonks dead, Neville , dead, Charley dead, Fred dead, Seamus dead. McGonagall and Kinsley cornered to places. Lupin evicted. Muggle born restrictions are lawful now along with ridicule holes for using unforgivables.

We could do nothing but send Harry Potter away for his life to prevent him falling to Malfoys' clutches. There's no way he can finish this single handedly now Dean. We failed him. We failed Dumbledore's trust, to protect him.

Order is just a word that we like to keep on saying to deceive ourselves."

Dean leaned back and sighed.

"We have to stop pretending that we are still at war" said Bill. "It's bitter… but true... we lost"

Hermione looked away. She watched crowds chatting, eating and laughing. What did they fight for? People are all the same, living their lives... Skip muggle-borns, muggles and selected ones who opposed.

What had it given them, those who fought, than tearing them from their lives and loved ones?

If she can only see Ron once… and Harry… Where was he? She felt wetness threatening to overfill her eyes. She had to get out of here. Hell with McGonagall. She will wait outside.

She could take any whispers, rude words or insults, but when it comes to acceptance of defeat, injustice and lost bonds she wished she rather left this ungrateful community to rot in hell alone. Not that she could ever stop rotting her own self. But she felt the last reason for her dwell here was lost.

She got up. "I should be off" Dean did not open his eyes.

"… Didn't you just arrive?' Bills' tone was worried.

"I have some work to be finished before the students leave tomorrow… I will see you all again when there's a chance. Give my love to everyone and safe journey Dean"

Dean got up and sighed. He hugged her tight patting her lightly.

She hugged Bill and kissed his cheek. "For Ron" she said avoiding his gaze.

"I'm sorry…" he started but Hermione cut him off.

"Its fine… just give my love to all."

She started walking to the door as Slughorn introduced her to a set of French men and her research head. She coped as far as she could and after another hour and a quarter she came out in intention of sitting outside with a miserable peace. There was no one outside since the food and chattering is in its peak. As she attempted to sit she saw a shadow upon a covered place from the wall. She hesitated.

Would it be too late if she tried to get inside?

She calmly turned though her heart gave a pound. Suddenly out of nowhere she felt a light sensation in her body. _She felt as if she was floating._

'_Walk' she heard inside her head. _

_ …_

Hermione woke with a tingling sensation in her stomach. A ticking sound near her made her open her eyes. She felt her in a sitting position and a blurry site was getting clearer as she blinked. She made out the black robe and the pointy hat of the figure opposite to her in the other side of the table. Hand of the person kept on ticking the table impatiently with a stick… wand…

"Professor McGonagall?" Hermione straightened in the chair and look at the unfamiliar surrounding which partly resembled Gryffindor common room though in a much smaller space. The ticking continued as Hermione looked at the head mistress in front of her.

"Sorry about the discomfort Hermione. Yet I had to let everyone think that you went to your rooms straight."

Did McGonagall call her by first name?

"That's fine… I looked for you. Is there something..'

"How are you?" Hermione gazed to the stern look of the face in front of her. The ticking had stopped.

"I'm fine. I just felt a..." McGonagall sighed and kept her wand on the side of the table. Hermione knew that's not what she asked.

"… I'm fine."

"Did you meet Ron any recently?" she sounded impatient, Hermione thought.

"No. but just met Bill. He's there in the party"

She didn't want to sound sentimental.

"Will you be meeting anyone or planning to spend Christmas with someone?"

If she was... would she spend the time here?.. McGonagall certainly knew this.

"No professor. I'm staying the week here."

McGonagall got up and walked passed her to the small fire place. Hermione had to turn to see her. There was only the fire place in the room for a light. Maybe it hyped the red around to make this place so similar to their common room.

When McGonagall turned to her gain Hermione could only see her silhouette.

"This used to be Dumbledore's portable suite. It's accessible from anywhere of Hogwarts, if you know how to." Hermione kept her gaze fixed to where she thought McGonagall's' eyes were. McGonagall took few steps closer to her.

"I need a favor from you Ms. Granger…"

Hermione thought McGonagall sounded far impatient than her calm body language.

"You-know-who has become powerful than ever, so as his henchman….. I know being a muggle born what these means to you. I'm aware that I'm being unfair to you…"

"Professor… I owe my life to you. Being one of Harrys' closest, with the name in Order, not to mention the muggle born type… I know what it took you to save me. I've got nothing to lose….. Whatever you want I will do…"

"I'm sorry to put you to danger Ms. Granger…" Hermione stood impatiently.

"I am in danger professor. Far protected for now than I was... Thanks to you. But if there is anything I can do for you..."

"Remus was right..." she said. " he told me you'll say that"

"You are in contact with Remus..?" Hermione asked her doubts becoming true. "The ministry knows isn't it?"

"Not to the extent that they can be sure… or close enough to mean anything to them" she said calmly.

"What's going on?"

"He's….. in trouble" McGonagall told quietly. There was a silence that dragged for few seconds.

"Who..?" Hermione asked though she felt this is not Lupin, McGonagall was talking about. Some part of her froze with an unknown feeling crept in to her.

"Harry… Harry Potter" McGonagall sounded impatient again.

"….You knew where he was?" Hermione asked flatly unable to stop her accusing tone. But McGonagall knew how desperate she became with sudden departures of her two friends…

"No. Not until very recent"

Hermione felt her stepping near the older woman.

"Where…." Her tone was desperate.

"He's…. he's not well Ms. Granger" McGonagall said her voice almost a whisper. "He needs someone to care for… I cannot ask Molly. It's too risky… its' better if he stays here in Hogwarts…. But I cannot…."

"I will look after him" there was a demand in her tone. McGonagall looked at her as if she was relieved for a moment but then her face grew grim.

"What's wrong with him? Is he injured?" she asked feeling that alarmed suddenly.

"no ….." the older woman sighed again. You'll see… he's in there"

McGonagall pointed towards a door which she did not see until now in dim light. Hermione hesitated, is Harry here?… after almost two years of desperation to find some news from the people who sent him to exile and being unsuccessful,…. she felt strange.

She walked to the door slowly and gripped the handle, feeling the metal cooler than she expected. She entered… searching for the figure she so longed to see.

On the floor unpacking various scrolls, bottles and clothing from a magically extended small bag, facing the wall, was a figure clad in black. His unruly jet black hair was longer and messier than she had ever seen.

"Harry…"

...

Deep breaths... hmmmm. So tell me what you think...

And also I'm hinting now... this story is messier than you think...


	4. 3 Distanced Words

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a property of J.K. Rowling

Warning: This story contains angst, violence, self harm and sexual situations. RATED K+ /T FOR LATER CHAPTERS  
A / N: this is my first story. If you think it isn't interesting, or nor worth it I'm really sorry, because this is my first fan fiction writing. This is set after half blood prince and deathly hollows never happened.

…

"Harry…"

She felt her own voice echoing as a mere whisper in her head, yet the raven haired figure facing the wall froze for a tiniest moment before turning to face her. Hermione felt two familiar eyes gazing at her with un-sureness and a nervousness she was not used to while facing her... or is it regret, she really couldn't tell.

His skin was pale, a colour that could not only reached by continuous staying out of sun but repeated sleepless nights as well. The black cloths he wore clashed inhumanly with his uncovered skin in face neck and hands... His raven hair fell on to his forehead covering the legendary lightning bolt scar which she was sure he had done by purpose. Dark circles under his eyes were visible even behind his usual round framed spectacles. His eyes fixed on her. And she looked at him without blinking as if afraid he might vanish to the thin air if she did so. She felt her eyes fill as he gazed back at her dumb folded as she was. But finally he spoke taking a step forward as if not sure he was doing the right thing.

"Hermione' he muttered '...it's been long…" he swallowed, but that was all she needed. She dragged her frozen feet to him, and crashed on to him open armed drowning herself in a hug. He was lost to her since so long, without any trace. He could have been anywhere, faced uttermost horror of loneliness as she had or worse … but this was not the time to ask, she knew.

She felt him stiffen with her sudden physical contact, but slowly his hands came around her and she tightened her grip letting down tears of anguish of two year pass down her cheeks silently.

She did not know how long they stayed like that but remembering McGonagalls' words on Harry being not well, she straighten and stepped slightly back gazing at his face clutching his hand by her, not yet ready to go.

'Are you unwell?… professor McGonagall told ...'

'I'm fine now' he said getting his gaze to an expressionless calmness.

'Mr. Potter..' said McGonagall hastily reminding Hermione that their professor was still there. There was a clear alarm in her voice, and a sternness that she almost forgot that they were far from their Hogwarts years.

'It is acceptable that you are concerned not to worry your friend, but delaying the necessary measures that should be taken immediately ' ... 'Professor… please' Harrys' voice was suddenly tiresome as if he had been arguing for too long. He let go of her hand clasping his own face lightly, 'you don't have to worry …'

'Not worry Mr. potter?... last night-'

'Last night.. I was too tired,.. and my defenses were low… it won't happen again'..

he sounded irritated than tired as he cut the professors words short.

'…I'll see to that'

he said looking at Hermione before fixing his gaze on the floor with a sigh.

'I hope you both will... .' muttered McGonagall with a fixed gaze on Harry before nodding her and leaving the room.

Hermione didn't move an inch.

'What was that?' she asked smoothly not wanting to make the moment more tiresome to Harry than it already was. Sooner or later she knew she had to get in to the bottom of this.

Harry looked at her without turning his face from the downward direction.

There was something haunting in his emerald green, which, a part of her suddenly trembled for a second seeing it.

'Harry... .' she felt it sounded as if she was unsure this was the real Harry, who tried to live at its best not wallow in whatsoever miseries after the chaos he faced in his fifth year at Hogwarts, who usually wore his heart on the sleeve for his best friends.

'Harry ..' she tried again, drawing closer to him. He straightened as she stood in front of her and looked past her. 'what's going on..?'

He turned sideways from her with a sigh, clutching the upper edge of his nose between eyes. The long sleeve of his shirt dropped slightly down, revealing rims of angry red cut marks around his wrist. Hermione froze. They did not seem two days old. He sure was hiding them, and didn't know that she saw.

'Harry wha… '

'Later.. 'He said turning to her with a light smile which looked alien on his face now. She opened her mouth to object but his whole attention turned to her,.. she knew his eyes told that this is not the time.

She felt somewhat an invisible barrier between them as if they cannot touch each others' skin.

It was an awkward silence.

This was not the image she had of them,.. if they ever met. But the years they spent apart was haunting them, behind closed doors of experiences they had to endure without each other. It was their catastrophe in friendship, pushed to them by the loss of their lives.

But in the end Harry broke the silence.

'How are you doing Hermione?' he asked as if she was the one who anyone should be concerned about.

This wall should be broken.. She knew that much. She had to go smooth, giving him time to reveal things in his own ground as always.

'Me..? … not so bad.., if you consider isolation is bliss…' she gave him a sad smile. He kept his gaze unmoving at her. 'It is... in a way' she heard her saying 'but everything is turning to be a bad dream we cannot awake..hasn't it?'

'How's Ron?'

She sighed. 'Coping up I guess, though Charlies' death affected him badly, and you going missing in the same time…'

she didn't want to sound complaining. He had his own life to safeguard with a mad man chasing around. 'Bill said he is a bit frustrated lately..'

'Can't see why that is' said Harry with a light smile though he couldn't hide the slight bitterness in the tone.

His eyes went to her dress, isn't she overdressed to the occasion.. she suddenly felt cold being reminded that she was not wearing her usual robe which had come to a second nature to her.

'You look …' he looked at her lightly and Hermione wondered whether that is just a mask he got used to. 'What's the occasion.. you look as if you are all ready to graduate again..'

he asked casualness dragging too much in to it.

'Slughorns' put up a Christmas party… think McGonagall thought best way to distract my absence around is to fake a presence there.. Though I did go there' she went on. She told him about the meeting she had with Bill and Dean, and their argument.

'..Dean knew something was going on. He suspected your involvement because he's familiar with the presence of invisibility cloak… and he can't be the only one.' She looked at him concerned.

'They don't know that I'm here'

he said with such a certainty and a coldness that Hermione didn't know what to say.

He looked at her 'And this would be the last place they'll look… isn't it' he added in an apologizing tone as if he offended her.

'who else knows I'm here?'

'McGonagall you me.. and Lupin I guess..' she said lightly not taking her eyes off him.

Harry sighed as if he was tired, and sat on the bed looking at her leaning forward and smiled sadly. Was it for the years they missed their friendship, lives… or for the reason he had to abandon their struggle against the dark side.. or was it because of the hopelessness he saw in every eye he looked in to…? She couldn't guess.

' ..Harry..' she couldn't stand this anymore.

This falseness between them is stretching to an extent where she hardly felt this is her friend anymore… she sat down turning to face him, her left knee almost touching his leg. Her hand clasped his, on the smooth bedspread. His skin was cold as if he was out in the snow.

'Where were you Harry?'

She couldn't control the downright hurt and concern in her tone.

'…I tried every single way… but no one knew… at least whether you were alright… I could have lived with that'

.. She felt her tears pouring down her cheeks.. She couldn't see Harrys' face. But suddenly Harry moved, his head resting on her shoulder. His eyes closed and he did not say a word. Hermione felt her tears fall free. She raised her hand and rested her hand lightly on his cheek which felt cold as his hand. He nestled to her as he was desperate for her warmth, as if it was the only thing left for him in the world. The silence flowing now was the unspoken words of emotion and warm friendship which they had so longed, in front of the face of horrific malice destined for their lives.

How long they stayed like that.. she didn't know. She didn't want this moment to end. Yet suddenly Harry removed her hand from his face with a slight tremble in his hand and got up, without looking back at her he walked to the washroom. Hermione watched his dropped head and slightly slumped shoulders in a stunned silence. Still not looking at her he turned the handle opening it and paused.

'….see you tomorrow Hermione' His voice was controlled, and strained.

Harry disappeared behind the door.

...

So any comments…? Please heed the warnings for the next chapter


	5. 4 Silent Scream

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a property of J.K. Rowling. All rights received by her and others who do. This is just a fanfiction….

**Special warning! **: **This chapter contains graphical violence, torture and sexual situations.** **RATED - T**. If you are very sensitive please heed the warnings. This is no fluff story.

And others.. Well hope this chapter takes a further step to the story. Not fully but you might get an idea of the situation Harrys' truly in.

A / N: this is my first story. If you think it isn't interesting, or nor worth it I'm really sorry, because this is my first fan fiction writing. This is set after half blood prince and deathly hollows never happened. Please do comment….. I would love to hear what you think

…

**** Dark/ Violence/torture alert... Be alert if you are sensitive.. *****

Hermione heard the lock being pulled slowly after much time the door closed. She sat, still frozen by her friends' sudden detachment and swing of mood.

After waiting for good long minutes in confusion, and realizing Harry won't be coming back, she stood up slowly leaving the room from the same door she entered.

As she entered to the sitting room which clearly symbolized the Gryffindor common room she found a waiting McGonagall with a worried face. She explained that Dumbledores' suite was feudalized with advanced magic and that it can only be reached by Hermione's' and her own office doors. And that all she had to do was to go to the door and say the incarnation, _'oculars revealo_' and imagine the person she's about to see.

Hermione listened to the headmistress speak as in a dream. She felt still stunned by the sudden appearance of her friend and the aloofness of their connection.

She had hoped and dreamed of a reunion as if her life depended on it. But as she got her wish she did not expect a wall of uncertainty and unfamiliarity built amidst them. Closeness she was used to have with him seemed to have turned in to a distance which she cannot reason out.

She came to her rooms and changed to her pajamas after a long sulking shower and got under her warm covers. But she knew sleep was just too far away for her now.

…

Closing the door behind him Harry slid down to the floor. His vision swayed with a grey smoke filling his brain. _No!_ He thought franticly.

He hit his head backwards lightly. _Focus_… he told himself and willed his eyes to admire the green marble bathroom in front of him. But the grey smoke was overpowering his already weakened emotional state. He felt his mind fill out in a fear. _No.._

He effortly dragged out his wand from the pocket and forced his swamp feet to support him reach up, locking the door. He muttered the silencing spell with whatever strength that is left and slid down again. His scar shot with a pain paralyzing him. He dropped the wand which rolled away from him with a dull sound. The grey smoke filled in his head choking his breath. He whimpered clutching his agonizing head by both hands. Forcing him to try a one last time he hit the head with all the strength left .. but it was no use. As the grey smoke blinded him he felt warm wetness slide down his neck. He gave in… and the smoke exploded.

_The grey shades started to fade filling him with a damp coldness and a throbbing scar. His skin was naked and blue cold air reminded him of his vulnerability touching every single inch of his body. He was bound to a hard stone bed with his hands dragged down and feet spread. He closed his eyes before his vision cleared. Harry knew where he was…. his hell._

'_Tsk..tsk..tsk…. not happy to see me Harry?' the high pitched voice reeked sarcasm just inches away from him. Harry felt the breath touch his face with the each word. He tightened his eyes as hard as he could knowing if he opened them he would gaze in to a pair of red eyes which held the utter horror he was about to face. A colder hand with piercing nails touched his face threatening to slit his skin open. He suppressed his agony with a strained groan as the cold finger touched his lips. And then it was gone._

'_Look at me' the breath felt closer. His bile rose up with the familiar smell of cold dampness. He snapped his head to the right as he felt a wet slick tongue creep through his jaw line. He couldn't stop the protesting whimper came from his thought as the tongue snaked around left of his face rubbing him in saliva. A hand gripped his hair forcefully. He struggled as his attacker slithered down his neck not being able to keep his vision blocked anymore. _

'_Welcome back Harry.. .' said Voldemort rising his head up from his prays' skin. _

'_Would you like to continue from the point we stopped yesterday?' he ghosted his nails on the flawless chest tickling the cold harden nipples._

'_Get away from me' _

_Harry breathed trying to push away the memories of pain which was pressed in to his mind. He tired to ignore the unwanted touch his enemy was forcing on him. _

'…_.tsk..tsk ..wrong answer Harry…' Voldemort said with a coldness slithering his hand further down. 'I thought we made it clear that you do not process any authority here..' Harry struggled as the nails scrape down his privates. He arched back groaning, knowing he could not protest anything that had been done to him. _

_Voldemort grinned with sarcasm and retrieved his hand. 'Seems you need a reminder every time boy…' he raised his hand lazily and waved in front of him with a swish. An invisible red hot wire fell on Harrys' skin, burning him in face abdomen and thighs. He struggled in his binds in hands and feet letting them cut in to his skin not being able to take the burning wire touching and dancing on his skin, emanating the smell of burnt flesh… his own flesh. He did not know how long Voldemort kept it on him, and he didn't know when it was removed. The burns on his skin saw to that. He was left with a sob that he so tried to hold on to at the beginning. He could not remember when he lost control. _

_He was dragged again to his reality from the pain he was withering by a dead cold grip on his jaws. He suddenly came aware of the cold slithery hissing laugh from the bottom of the stone bed he was bound._

'_Can I start master' said the slithery hiss. Nagini. _

_Harry gazed emptily at the red eyes above him ignoring the painful grip Voldemort was holding to him._

'_Eager is she not…' he sniggered. ' but you know…you can stop this play Harry …' said the cold lipless mouth releasing the grip to a soothing touch. 'Surrender .. tell me where you are, and this will stop'._

'_And you'll leave me in peace?' sniggered Harry through his pain. 'you can break my skin here Tom but only in your fantas..y'._

_Before Harry could brace himself he was backhanded with such a force that his neck crippled for seconds. His upper lip split. _

_But before he could recover his scalp was dragged harshly upwards with a tearing grip on the hair. _

'_This is nothing but your reality ...boy. I already won this battle. It is only matter of time that I claim what is already mine. I can promise you a clean quick end but if you prefer the hard way, I shall grant your wish my little pet'. _

_Voldemort laughed harshly and released Harrys' head to drop backwards. 'you may Nagini' he hissed walking few feet back but still remaining on a length to see his preys' tortured face._

_Harry felt than heard the giant snake slither up the stone bed by his feet. His whole body tensed as it crept on his skin wrapping around the right leg. The burnt skin flamed up welling helpless tears in his eyes as the pebbly snake skin rubbed on them. Harry shivered and whimpered as Nagini slinked around his intimate places and let his blood flow freely in wrists and ankles as it slithered through his spread legs. But he forced him to silence with all his might, knowing his enemy's' whole attention is on him. _

_Nagini stopped moving as it coiled herself on his thighs and privates, facing him with a rose head. Harry looked at the snake emptily. He knew what she was about to do. And he knew that he could do nothing about it or how he would react to it. _

'_Give in boy' he heard a hiss but couldn't make out if it's the snake or its' master. He wanted to say no. and wanted to say it harsh but instead closed his eyes. _

_Nothing would have prepared him to what came next. Not the effortly mastered occlumency nor his skill nor Gryffindor courage. As Nagini forced down in speed at his abdomen biting hard and deeper to his flesh, he screamed as deep as her fangs went in to him. The blood poured out as he felt poisonous venom run through his blood veins. He sobbed openly as it bit the same wound over and over letting his tears fall freely. He wanted to stop feeling, he wanted to be unconscious. But he knew it would not come. _

_And then Nagini paused, leaving him with a muscle wrenching pain with bloody wounds. He moaned in pain with all his strength drained._

_Voldemort drew near him with a cruel hunger in his eyes._

'_give in boy.. no need to suffer when you already lost your side'. Harry effortly turned his face with shaking shoulders and ragged breaths and spit out the blood that filled his mouth, by his own bitten lips, as forcefully as he could._

_In the next instant Nagini bit down the other side of his abdomen, tearing its flesh apart, but this time she did not pause but began to tear him one after another for a longest time Harry ever suffered. Lost all his sight, voice, even breath he thrashed with whatever the freedom given by the binds. He hit his head while feeling the bile rise up to his thought. _

Harry threw up face down to the green marble floor heaving helplessly. His face was damp and more tears flowed freely as he retched with whatever he had eaten in the day. After there was nothing left he heaved on his own breath for suffocating moments before dragging his battered body away from the mess he had created in the once shiny bathroom. His whole body drenched in sweat as his clothes were plastered to his skin.

Along with the wound behind his head with drying blood his forehead now suffered another crack with leaking blood drops, which he was sure, had resulted by his thrashing around the bathroom floor. And he was also sure that, this physical wound had dragged him out from his minds' hell. The wounds which had made him choke, moments before were gone. He absently touched his abdomen under his sweat damped shirt and whimpered curling in to a ball in a corner on the floor. Smell of vomit and sweat making his head sway, he lay there as alone as he was, since the cold days he remembered.

…

So what you think? Is it worth continuing?


	6. 5 Patchup Queen 1

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a property of J.K. Rowling. All rights received by her and others who do. This is just a fanfiction….  
story note: well more clues on what happened

A / N: this is my first story. Set after half blood prince and deathly hollows never happened. Please do comment….. I would love to hear what you think

...

Hermione woke up in the morning slower than she normally do. She used to pass her days without thought, taking the moment as it was. But seeing Harry last night with a severe detachment from what she knew caused memories to creep in to her mind.

She buried herself in sheets, as if she could hide away from the memories she kept pressed inside. No matter how she wanted to believe that they were forgotten, once given the chance, they all came back to her in rushing flashes...

Mad Eye getting hit by a green speck of light right next to her in Longbottom residence in the Order meeting, the other members running throwing curses at black hooded figures that appeared from nowhere. Harry rushing to her side to avoid her getting hit while Ron defended a shell shocked Luna and Ginny.

The made-up trial of Charley Weasley for killing Nott in the so called friendly supervision in Longbottom residence and Order members' hollow attempts to save him. Back at the head quarters Ron scream at Harry for letting others do his bidding. Harry just gazes at him not uttering a word as long as he could bear. 'Then give me to him' he shouts and walks out of the room leaving half of the Order horror struck.

In the morning of final trial Mrs Weasley screams and cries as Lupin brings the news of Charley's murder by his cell mate.. as the ministry indicated. Charley's forehead bores a cut of a lightning bolt across the middle. She tries to console a tormented Harry for days out of his guilt with a non speaking Ron.

News of Nevilles' death followed by Tonks. Lupins soundless and feeble tears as Mr Weasley gave him the news of his wife.

Kinsley helplessly saying that he no longer can protect Harry if he remained and fought. Heated arguments in Order and Harry's refusal to go in to hiding. Passing of muggle born registry with Kingsley forced to announce it. Final debates with Lupin Kingsley and McGonagall stating Harry should go away for the sake of all of Order's lives. Their last goodbyes with Harry promising to keep in touch while Ginny cried holding her. That had been the only time when she saw Harry with tear filled eyes which haunted her for a longest time. He gazed from the door at his two friends and girl friend emptily as Kingsley almost dragged him to the fire place. And then Weasley family's departure from Number 12, Grimmauld Place... Ron's figure vanishing behind the double doors. Ron doesn't look back at her like Harry. She knew he couldn't...

She felt hollow tears in her eyes which caused by an emptiness and a tiresomeness she felt.. it was all coming back to her. Dragging her to the present, Hermione sat up in the bed. She sighed wiping her tears. 'I'm alright' she said to herself as if trying to convince her own self. She had to see Harry. No matter how hard it can get... he needed her.., that much she knew. She got ready, since it was the first day in Christmas holidays anyone wouldn't be bothered of her absence.

'_oculars revealo_'' she muttered with the image of haunted look in Harry's face yesterday. She stepped in to a darker version of Gryffindor common room. Windows were close and thick curtains drown to cover the morning sun. Only light source in the room was a week flame in the fire place.

Covered in a bundle of sheets Harry sat facing the dim fire on the red couch. His body was curled to a ball, knees drown to the chest. She couldn't really tell whether he is sleeping or just deep in his thoughts.

Hermione walked slowly without much sound, not wanting to wake him up. But then she saw that his eyes were open to the feeble flame. A shiver ran through him as the fire had no effect on him. 'Harry...' she whispered not wanting to startle him. Yet she did... slightly. He turned his face to her and it was her turn to startle. He was inhumanly paler with reddish shade in his previously clear eyes with darker circles around them. His lips were dried of its colour and his famous scar looked angry red. But most of all which alarmed her was a cut in the forehead with dried blood. He gazed at her a blink of a second as if without recognition but in the next moment he smiled at her forcefully. It was a week attempt. Was he wearing the same cloths he wore last night?

'Harry what happened?' she knelt beside him but did not touch him too scared to hurt him 'are you all right?.. how did you..? But.. What...'

'I'm ok..' his voice was hoarse and tired,

She stared at him for a moment.. her concern turning to anger 'you are not OK.. Harry ...' she snapped at him. Her voice cracked.. 'look at you.. you are paler than a ghost. You are shivering.. and you are hurt .. for Merlin's sake you have a bloody cut on your head!'

'Two cuts' he said with a bitter grin...taking his hand to touch the back of his scalp softly... his hair there damp with blood

She stood up not knowing what else to do. 'I'm calling McGonagall' she felt furious at his carless tone...

'No...' his voice loud.. he straightened in the chair. 'this is not simple Harry'..

'no.. but... they won't understand.. They ...they worry too much' he tried to hide the croakiness of his voice, he sounded tired. Hermione gazed at him worried of his whole appearance but lowered her wand and sighed.

'Harry you need help' she said not taking her concerned eyes off his frame.

Harry looked at her emptily and leaned his head over to the chair for support, fixing his eyes on the fire again.

'Then help me...' He sounded drained, hollow with too much things bursting through him.

Hermione felt her insides stilled for a moment. He was always strong, always the one to straighten up first when others curled down. He was the one they all looked up to when everything was too hard to move on. But that person was no longer him...

Harry shivered again. 'you are cold... might be catching a fever' she got near him checking his forehead being careful not to touch the bloody cut. His skin was clammy and she could feel he was warming up. She looked at his closed eyes and let out a sigh 'you should get a warm bath and get out of those cloths.' He opened his eyes to her not moving an inch, and she couldn't read the strange look in his eyes which for a moment reminded her how deep green they were.

'I'll see to the bath..' she said walking to the washroom. 'no .. d..don't' he stammered as she pushed open the white door. A harsh smell of vomit and blood hit her as she took a step back. She looked back at the pitiful frame of harry. Without a word she fully opened the door, holding her breath and walked in careful not to step on the mess. Harry's famous phoenix wand lay as a discarded quill in a corner. There were patches of blood on porcelain and walls. Did he hit his head purposely until it cracked? The thoughts did not ease her..

With few swishes she cleaned the place and picked up his wand. Filling the tub with hot water she went to the couch he still sat. 'can you walk?' she asked him. Harry nodded not looking at her. He stood with a slight sway. Leaving the sweaty white sheet on the couch she led him to the tub.

He didn't say a word as she removed his shoes and shirt but resisted when she moved for socks. He smelled of vomit and sweat. She didn't give a second look to his raw skin and cuts around the wrists and body.. healed and new. He felt week...bare.. his head swayed again. 'it's all right' she said loosening his belt. 'shhhhh..' she said hugging him as he tried to protest. He never was comfortable with physical contact.. but then he gave in, and let him to be embraced, resting his chin on her shoulder..they held on to each other for moments without words.

Holding on to her, Harry sighed strained, willing himself not to give in to emotions. He knew he could not risk it again. For the sake of their attachment he waited.

'Hermione..' Harry whispered after moments, in a calmer voice of determination knowing he's drawing himself to the edge again. He pulled back, taking a step back he sat on the edge of the warm water tub. He suddenly felt vulnerable with nothing covering his bare chest. His mind ghosted him with touches he so resisted and despised.

Hermione gazed at his eyes which suddenly lined fear and pain in a different manner. 'Harry' she mumbled closing their distance again.

'I'm feeling better ...' he said as if trying to calm down on his own. ' I can manage now' they gazed at each other. Hermione sighed.

'please...' he sounded desperate . He looked at her with a strained sadness, and inhaled deep closing his eyes for just a moment. She gazed back at him with a concerned hurt. _How can she be this close to him yet feel so distanced_. She turned and walked out suddenly not wanting to reveal her tear filled eyes to him. As she closed the door she heard his voice or more of a desperate murmur for her to understand 'wait for me'.

She gazed at him through the thin strip that was closing his image as she closed the door which he looked back motionless.

So what you think?

And check out my new video on Harry potter in YouTube

.com/watch?v=iV3ObNizfb0&feature=channel_video_title


	7. 6 where have you lost?

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a property of J.K. Rowling. All rights received by her and others who do. This is just a fanfiction….  
story note: this chapter mainly goes to break the ice between this long lost friendship... so you may feel it's in the same place in the beginning. But if you read further you'll find more of clues.. turn points to the story..

A / N: this is my first story. Set after half blood prince and deathly hollows never happened. Please do comment….. I would love to hear what you think

...

Hermione returned to her rooms and summoned a house elf from the kitchens and asked to bring her breakfast. Running through her bottle rack of remedies she pulled off skin mending potions, finding bottle of dittany. Once the house elf disappeared leaving her a plate full of eggs and toast with a jug of sweetened tea she went back to the suit managing to carry the food with her.

She entered the bed room to see Harry sitting on the bed. Dressed in muggle cloths, blue denim trouser and a black tee-shirt, he looked much humane.. a person with regular worries. Yet his gaze lingered a look of a one who was poked by darkness and horror through and through behind the round frames.

Laying the food trays next to him she sat next to him. 'here..let me mend that for you' she carefully turned his head which he let her, and dropped few drops of the dittany on the half dried cuts on his scalp. The skin mended leaving light traces. 'Better?' she asked taking his wrists and doing the same for the irritated cut marks around them... they too begin to fade as she pushed the stopper in again.

'Much.. Thanks' he smiled maybe after a long time, she thought, cause it dried as soon as it came..

'You must be hungry' she clasped his shoulder lightly.

He sighed running his fingers through his forehead. 'Not really' he managed to say, won't you eat?'

She took two pieces of toast and offered one to him.. 'You think I'll miss sharing toasts with you after almost three years?' he took the piece but did not eat. His eyes were on her.. examining.. But only for a moment. He looked at the toast in his hand nervously. 'Can't believe it's been that long' said he... 'Who thought...' he let out a sigh straightening himself 'who thought it'd end like this'

It was her turn to stare at him 'You are talking as if it's all over' she said stiffly and Harry leaned forward to his knees, a mirthless smile covering a sigh of tiresomeness.

'How's everything around here.. Your job..Teaching?' Harry worded out effortly, she felt, worried that they might get stuck in a long silence and she will again ask of his illness. She would have to be patient with him, she knew, he was never comfortable with forcing his thoughts out.

'Well .. it's a job isn't it' she tried best not to make a face.. 'I wake.. eat... smile with the staff... teach' she paused looking at harry , but his gaze was far too searching... she looked away ' ...eat again.. .brood myself to death and drawn in marks and notes.. eat once again if I feel like it and sleep... she smiled at him trying to return his gazed again. Why were they so inhumanly deeper than she remember ... she signed seeing no change in his gaze which was too empty for her to bear. Misery was overwhelming both of them isn't it?

'its boring ... but I'm a live, out of harm.. and I have work'

she tried to sound less bitter and less moved by the things around her. 'that's better than most in my position actually..' Hermione didn't want to feel too much in front of him. Not again ... and not when his condition seemed far severe than of hers. She would have succeeded if Harry didn't decide to lightly touch her toast free hand and hold it at that moment ... but he did, reminding her of the person he was to her... her haven.

... ' only I wish I could have done more Harry' ..she felt a sudden heaviness in her throat ... 'more when they marched out eleven and twelve year olds out of my classes... to feed bloody dementors... because their so called blood wasn't pure enough.'

She could not stop the tears with the guilt she pressed herself to... ' and I just stood there... as if they are going home for Christmas...'she sobbed wishing she could stop yet they were uncontrollable... 'I walked many times in to the ministry passing them torturing women and children... just by the corridors for everyone to see... but no one sets an eye in fear for their own blood status... I've seen too much Harry, too much ... and done nothing...'

Without a word Harry put both his arms around her... she held on to his form .. feeling the warmth through silence and her own sobs. Curling in to him, she listened to his heart beat as if it was feeding her soul. He is here... she thought ... no matter in what condition... a thread to the world where their lives were more than puppets...more than just breathing organs that existed without emotion.

they stayed holding each other long after her sobs... later when she let go of him she saw his expression unchanged... maybe thoughtful but not emotional as she was. She didn't know whether to worry or just consider it normal. Maybe he's way passed his breaking point. But after her breakout she felt lighter... she forced him to a second toast complaining of his visible skinniness. And he only smiled surrendering without much argument.

Afterwards Hermione filled him with more details on the outside world, of the bitter place it had now become with able ones choosing a path of ignorance and the feeble being crushed under prejudice of blood status or for supporting the light side .

She mentioned Hogwarts barely standing to what it was, with Snape as the high Inquisitor; it had been paused before its full conversion to the refuge of dark lord's malice. Maybe they trust Snape to do that by himself... step by step... she told him... mention of Snape made Harry gaze sharp at her... 'what?' she asked.

'nothing... guess you are true' he said finding suddenly his nails to be quite interesting... but after that he barely spoke only nodding and occasionally answering with few words if she asked anything. Hermione knew not to press him..not yet at least

Harry had been dozing off when she left and she guessed he needed some rest after whatever the journey and whatever the circumstance he was in. she made his bed, with him standing behind and left him to get some sleep.

Many moments after she sat in front of a demanding McGonagall in her own room, their tea going cold. ...She felt guilty revealing whatever she saw or heard from him... as a spy who was send in to dig out the details as if he's some bigoted creature.

But she was just a puppet playing along is she not?

'Did he mention anything.. anything at all about his illness?' her voice was as impatient as it could get. And as she suspected, McGonagall knew only little on Harry's condition. But how much that little was.. she had no idea.. she tried reasoning with her to excuse herself for not pushing herself to question him. Not that it was working... 'Whenever I tried to ask he would just pass on ... or directly say _later.. _Not easy to press him on to saying something professor..you know how he is'

'any hints or mention on anything he had been doing?' more impatience...

'he didn't say much...nothing at all now I think of it'.. said she...'guess he needs _time_ professor'

'The only thing we _do not_ have Granger... not to mention him... if he doesn't speak, dig him out.. you know him better than anyone for Merlin's sake girl ... if not you who can make him speak?...' she continued as if talking to herself.. 'It's critical enough that Dumbledore trusted only him to pass his secrets on you know who... but now he's suffering from we- don't- know-what...'

'He's not sick by purpose professor'... she felt her anger rising in defense of him... as same as years back.

'Course not'...McGonagall's voice raised up.. 'but he's acting like it... keeping it to himself.. When he can't deal with it himself... once he lands in Voldermorts' clutches as he did, it would be him not us who will have to worry about it... and the slight niche of hope the world have will go to ash ' the old woman clutched her forehead by both her hands... resting her elbows on the small of a table. Hermione blinked as calmly as he could...

' ...landed..in Voldermorts' clutches?...when?' she felt her heart raise as McGonagall straightened. The older woman sighed... 'It's nothing to hide now... Potter and Kingsley were attacked on their way to his safe place years back. They sent an imperioed Neville Longbottom after him...' McGonagall did not react to Hermiones' stare.. but continued ... ' out stupidity Potter walked in to the trap. Kingsley was helpless... it was either to reveal himself and drag the Order to an end or let the Orders' last hope fall in to death eaters. Not that he had much choice when Potter decided to pay his debts to Longbottom...'

McGonagall shook her head ... ' not sick by purpose' she muttered as disgusted by her own sound. It took moments for Hermione to collect her thoughts... she felt too many things passing inside her.. Harry abducted... death eaters.. how did he escape? And Neville? Neville Longbottom?

'but Neville was... dead... he died before Harry went away...'

'.. a fake death' said the older woman her voice slightly shaking. 'he had been kept alive... and killed of course... he is dead now'

Hermione did not know how to react to the feelings of shock sorrow and anger she felt all together...she covered her mouth... 'you knew..th.. this...this is three years back' she stared as McGonagall nodded '...why ...why didn't you tell me..?'

McGonagall looked at her sympathetically.. ' you had much in your bag Granger.. Grieving for a friend would have not helped... let along knowing another was abducted..'

'This is Harry we are talking about!... Her voice was louder than expected.. 'You thought too much is in my bag to not to tell me... that... that he was abandoned to the hands of that ...lunatic ...for what!.. three years!... and now you ask me to find what's wrong with him? '

Hermione didn't know when she had risen up... she glared at McGonagall who still sat with crossed hands..her heart pounded ..dear Merlin... she thought as the image of Harry's wounded wrists came to her mind... ' you know what .. I think I know what's wrong with him... he had been bloody ravaged out of his wits for three years! And would he have to be grateful now because you all saved him after such a short time...HE'S JUST A PIECE OF MEAT TO ALL OF YOU!'

she shouted at a cold stare who looked back at her.

'not three years Miss Granger'... McGonagall said the voice cold as her stare but calmly... 'he wouldn't have survived... it was just four days'.. Said she getting up...

'and as for rescuing him...HE saved HIMSELF, Merlin knows how, and vanished away letting us attempt on futile raids to rescue him... which caused half a dozen lives... McGonagall collected her coat hung behind the chair and folded it around her hand...

'after months he sends a message saying Wormtail got kind hearted with him.. Which is unlikely as Lucius Malfoy saving him... and saying he's safe?... then Remus drops in after so much as two years claiming Potter is fatally ill, almost begging to ask you to take him inn... you tell me miss Granger whether I think of him as a piece of meat!...' McGonagall clicked open the door her gesture stern as always...

' he has these marks around his wrists...new welts..' Hermione took a sound breath in.. she didn't want to feel feeble, but she did... ' I thought..'

McGonagall paused and turned looking at Hermione.. then she looked down ' last evening after moments of arrival he lost his conscious.. he was thrashing as if we dropped him to a bed of hot lava instead of sheets...' she looked at the younger woman more lightly this time... ' we bound him to the bed... it was all we could do to stop him from harming himself...'

Hermione just gazed at her.

She didn't know what to say.. not anymore... McGonagall sighed ridding herself of what's left of their heated conversation..

'sooner we know what's wrong with him... sooner we can find a cure miss Granger.. I do not wish to see him suffering any more than you do...' with that she left closing the door behind... Hermione stood there gazing at the door for moment... she felt her heart rise. _It's just four days... _she heard McGonagall's' stern voice inside her...

...

Do comment...


	8. 7 Dare to feel

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a property of J.K. Rowling. All copy writes received by her. I'm just trying to get this story out of my head...  
**  
Warning: This story contains angst, violence, self harm and sexual situations. RATED K+ /T FOR MOST CHAPTERS.

I will be putting warnings when it's at its highest.  
_A / N: this is my first story. If you think it isn't interesting, or nor worth it I'm really sorry, because this is my first fan fiction writing. This is set after half blood prince and deathly hollows never happened. _

...

Hermione had lots to think... with the previous conversation with McGonagall, she had begun to realize that Harry's condition is far more severe than she thought. He had been in the clutches of death eaters...and hadn't been killed. Though thankful she was for his survival.. she feared what he might have experienced at their hands... alone and surrounded by a pack of murderers who hatefully despised his very existence at his age..

But this has been three years ago... he had been saved... but how? And as McGonagall mentioned it had been months before he contacted the Order... lives had been lost in vain in attempts to his rescue... no wonder McGonagall blamed Harry for their lives... but she was more than sure he was in no condition to contact them... looking at his state now ... after three years she was afraid that he might had been tortured out of his wits... had he been scarred for life? The image of Harry's haunted pale features came to her mind.

But it has been years... why hasn't he healed?.. or was she guessing it all wrong? Can his sickness be related to such an incident that happened years back? There was something amiss.. she could feel it... looking in to his face which lined defeat and coldness...

She felt frustrated that she didn't know how to connect what she saw and heard... the horrible state Harry was in and what McGonagall told about the abduction three years back.

He couldn't have recovered on his own... who else was there with him? ... Who else was he in contact that she can talk to? Remus... of course... she had almost forgotten. Was it possible that Remus rescued Harry? Thinking about it now, it had been almost three years since she last saw him.

Remus must know something... He should have more answers ... it was he who came to McGonagall for Harry... she made a mental note to ask McGonagall if she'd be able to talk to him...

...

Hermione spent most of the day thinking and busying herself in her small potion making suite brewing calming potions.. she was sure she will be needing them frequently...at times she thought she must be addicted to them.. she felt Harry needed some time to rest. So she pushed away the urge to go see him..

It was half past five when she went in to Harry's rooms not wanting to disturb his much needed sleep.

But when she walked in with soups for dinner she saw the bed unspoiled and untouched as she made it in the morning. Pair of blue pajamas was where she kept them folded on the pillow.

Harry sat on the floor in the corner of the room leaned to the wall and one knee loosely drawn to his chest. His glasses lay beside him on the floor, and there were small bottles laying about... most of them empty. She gazed at him as he at her without an inch of an unfocus.. it was strange looking at him without glasses..as looking at a different person.

'I thought you slept...' she said placing food trays in a small of a table beside the bed... she wanted to calm herself. 'you were dozing off' she added as she sat beside him taking an empty bottle from the floor to see it not labeled... he turned his gaze to his own hand picking at his trouser.. 'couldn't sleep' he murmured. His face was as pale as before only the eyes looked much worse... or was it because he was not wearing glasses? He was still warming... Feverish. She pressed her hand to his forehead... which felt burning .

'you have a fever... I thought it would go down with a warm bath...' she took his hand to check pulse... and accidently gazed at it with a more attention. She felt shiver running inside...as she saw his finger nails... only that there were none... they were well healed and mended but in the places of nails , there were only thick skin as if they had been pulled out. She released his hand and got up.. '...let me... fetch you a potion for... the fever' that was all she could do to get out of his sight...

She sat on her own bed breathing heavily... what did she expect... she knew he had been tortured... but now seeing even the healed scars disturbed her... how was she going to deal with this... not wanting to leave him sitting there alone anymore she went to her potions rack and took out the bottle of calming potions she brew and bottles of potions she used sometimes back for a mild fever... it was all she had.

She fed him two spoons and started collecting the bottles around silently.. he sat there unmoving ..his gaze fixed on other things than her..

'Hermione.. he said later as Hermione sat down beside him on the floor handing him a bowl of chicken soup. His voice sad but controlled his gazed fixed in the bowl... ' I'm sorry'

'What for..?' she stiffened and looked at him... he looked week and vulnerable... he had his glasses on again. He stirred his spoon carelessly in the dish.. 'for just dropping in here... out of nowhere... when you have enough for your own.. '

'Don't be ridicules Harry.. seeing you is the only good thing that happened to me after years... and you've been crazy to not come sooner'

Harry didn't reply... they ate in silence for moments... 'how long have you been ill ?' Hermione asked.. but regretted as soon as she did.. He stared at her and signed.. 'I'm not ill' and for a moment she thought he'll ask her to leave... but instead he kept his still half filled bowl aside on the floor.. and drew both knees to his chest... he only wore socks... he shivered leaning his head down...His fever was getting high..despite of the potion she gave... Hermione felt. Keeping her bowl aside as well she clasped his arm.. 'you better go to the bed Harry.. Floor is too cold. Your fevers getting high.. You need to get some sleep.. '

Harry uncurled himself, dropping his shoulders. His hands lay by sides. He leaned his head to the wall and looked at her with an empty expression. 'I can't sleep..' he blurted out without moving... Hermione smoothly closed her fingers around his wrist.. 'don't worry ... I have a sleeping draught ... its effective... it really takes you off... I should at least have...-'

' no.. Harry shook his head slightly 'I can't... sleep...' he said ' I mean ... I...' she stared at him.. 'I get visions..' he added trying to sound calm.

'as you did in fifth year...?' she asked anxious.. but didn't he master occluding around their last year at school... he was quite good at it... a better Legimance as well than her or Ron. Harry ran his fingers rubbing his eyes... 'something like that .. yes' he said leaning forward. 'did you try occluding?' Harry stared... for the second time her insides shook seeing the haunting expression behind his eyes.. '...dreamless potions?' crossing his legs he rested his elbows on knees and covered his face with hands 'I'm not dreaming Hermione...' he shivered again.. ' you are burning up... it will get worse if you don't rest...'

he didn't move.. 'I can't sleep... he... he scrapes inside my head...' he said under his hands... 'Harry...' she didn't know what to say... she draw nearer to him and held him tight.. kneeling next to him. He stilled as a stone.. She pressed his head to her... suddenly it made sense to her.. Thrashing McGonagall mentioned hours ago which they had to tie him down...his curled sickened form in the morning on the couch...the patches of blood on porcelain... she remembered his fifth year... when Voldemort was invading him mentally.. Knowingly or unknowingly

'you'll be alright Harry... we can find a solution... I will work something out with McGonagall... It would be as before...' Harry's shoulders shook... Hermione felt tears leave her eyes... she tightened her hold around him as he grasped her sweater with white knuckles... hiding his face in it...

'I can't...' his voice shook hoarse 'can't ...anymore' Hermione hugged his form pressing her face on top of those black strands... he felt so weak.. 'It's all right' she said again as she felt his knuckles lighten... she let him go as he dragged himself back to the wall, hitting his frame carelessly in the wall behind. His eyes that were wet and blotchy ... he exhaled painfully not looking at her 'you should go...' he said defeated... loosening his grip.

'Harry...' she drew near him not wanting him to shame away from his outburst '... please go' his voice cracked and he closed eyes letting down lines of tears down.. Hermione settled next to him almost touching his face by hers 'I'm here for you ... don't- ..'

But that was all she said as Harry doubled down clutching his forehead, face twisted in pain. 'Harry ... what's wrong?... Harry!' she panicked crying his name.. but he was not in a state of replying, choking his breath he twitched... covering his head as much as he could with his hands.. He sob...

Hermione grabbed his shoulders and tried to get his fallen form up to a sitting position still crying his name... she felt he was giving in to whatever the pain drowning him... he sobbed with occasional halts ,... his eyes went unfocused and suddenly he stilled, and fainted in to the pain.

Hermione in shock of panic shook his unconscious form... but he did not wake up. Placing his head carefully down she got up... help .. he need help...McGonagall ... she needed to call her...

Running in to her own room she dug her head in to the fireplace... she looked through McGonagall's private suite..

Seeing it empty, she tried the headmistress's office out of panic.

As she gazed out of the fireplace to shell shock.. with the two faces looking back at her... stern lined face of McGonagall her self... and a pale sullen face with greasy black hair clad in black like a bat...

' what is it Granger?' Snape growled curling his face disgustingly... Hermione stopped her thoughts 'I... I was just wondering... headmistress ...' McGonagall's face was fearful for an instant...

' I wish to go to ... the research unit tomorrow.. I'm afraid I won't be able to come for ...' Hermione lost her words as Snape's scowled at her. She felt her sweating

'It's alright Miss Granger ... I'm attending for a meeting with Severus in the ministry now ... I won't be back until tomorrow evening... I was going to inform we have to postpone syllabus discussions.'

Hermione tried to calm herself... 'I'll take my leave then.. Good night..' Snape turned his gaze back to McGonagall unpleasantly. McGonagall nodded...

she stepped back... calmly as she could... covering her face after, she breathed... it could have been the worst things to happen.. Snape .. the last person she should have indulged with.. she exhaled... _Harry_.. Merlin... there was no one she now had to call... with Snape .. McGonagall would not be able to come any soon... she ran.. fear shaking her _'oculars revealo_'

A painful scream crept to her ears as she stepped to the red lighten room. She hurried to the bed room. What she saw doubled her panic... her fearful cry beaten by his scream...

...

Warning for next one!


	9. 8 mortal flesh

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a property of J.K. Rowling. All copy writes received by her. I'm just trying to get this story out of my head...  
**  
Warning: This story contains angst, violence, self harm and sexual situations. RATED K+ /T FOR MOST CHAPTERS.

I will be putting warnings when it's at its highest.  
_A / N: this is my first story. If you think it isn't interesting, or nor worth it I'm really sorry, because this is my first fan fiction writing. This is set after half blood prince and deathly hollows never happened. _

_..._

**** Dark/ Violence alert... Do not read if you are underage. Caution if you are sensitive****

_Previous.._

_She let him go as he dragged himself back to the wall, hitting his frame carelessly in the wall behind. His eyes that were wet and blotchy ... he exhaled painfully not looking at her 'you should go...' he said defeated... loosening his grip. 'Harry...' she drew near him not wanting him to shame away from his outburst '... please go' his voice cracked and he closed eyes letting down lines of tears down.. Hermione settled next to him almost touching his face by hers 'I'm here for you ... don't- ..'_

_But that was all she said as Harry doubled down clutching his forehead, face twisted in pain. 'Harry ... what's wrong?... Harry!' she panicked crying his name.. but he was not in a state of replying, choking his breath he twitched... covering his head as much as he could with his hands.. He sob..._

_Hermione grabbed his shoulders and tried to get his fallen form up to a sitting position still crying his name... she felt he was giving in to whatever the pain drowning him... he sobbed with occasional halts ,... his eyes went unfocused and suddenly he stilled, and fainted in to the pain. _

...

He gave in. he found no strength in him to fight let alone resist... He pushed Hermione to the bottom of his mind... she was there... watching him ... he knew. His scar throbbed bitterly... he dropped his head letting tears drip down his face... he allowed this happen... and he had no intention to fight ... not this time... Unlike last time he hung upright by his wrists, metal shackles clicked together as he stirred. His bare feet didn't touch the ground. It was crueler than laying spread on a stone bet.. at least stone bed gave him something to push in to... he cannot do this ... not this soon ... not again

The cold wind stole his warmth.. clad only in a trouser waist down... he felt flesh froze under his naked chest and back... he heard a tousle of cloth behind, already knowing who it was. .. the damp smell. One nailed finger scraped down his spine peeling his skin out. The cloaked figure closed in from behind... wet sickening smell shot up his bile as always...

'Back already Harry?' the voice was mocking.. a shiver ran through him as two clammy long nailed hands closed in to his abdomen from behind... touching his naked flesh. The hands moved upwards pushing his form pressed to the body behind him. The long fingers slithered up to his nipples...teasing and pinching lightly. 'aah..' he couldn't suppress the whimper of distress for the unwanted tough which reminded him his weak state. He let another tear leave his eyes down his face, to mark the misery for the forced reactions his enemy was pushing him in to. One hand left his body... to appear in his forehead... running its fingers through his throbbing scar and then hair... bending his neck backward to rest his head on the shoulder behind. 'It would be a waste of breath boy... you scream you suffer and escape... just to come back to this again... wouldn't you wish this to end?' looking at his own bound hands which hung above him Harry took a ragged breath... 'I know you are weak ... boy.. give in... I will have you one way or another Harry ... I swore on your dead filthy whore of a mother that I will have you ...make it easier for you and surrender.' The grip in his hair tightened.. 'But no... you prefer to be here... aren't you? Thinking you can resist ...' he sniggered 'would you like to try?' more laughing...

Harry growled as a wet snakelike tongue slithered around his ear.. and further his jaw line... He closed his eyes and tried his best to endure this shameful act of revenge as the lipless mouth whispered hiss of words to his ear. 'no..' Harry whimpered remembering the hiss... he moaned as whole of him shot up with a burning sensual need... to be touched to be licked... to be scraped and infiltrated. His organs slapped in urge to be penetrated... and to be ripped down... his heart slammed him inside and each and every muscle clenched reeking lust of fire. His nipples hardened stone cold red and his penis thumped in shock as same as his heart as shivers running in genitals maddening him. He screamed out of need and shame... he cried...

Slick hold around his body suddenly left... leaving his only support to his provoked physic... exposing him to cold wind infuriating his burning. His body thrashed without his consent.. the metal shacked cut in to his wrists... it was the only touch he got. He still sobbed as Voldemort walked around him facing him, his lipless and snakelike face only inches away from Harry's shaking form. 'How astonishing isn't it ... what a simple lover's spell can do when used in changed circumstances...' he sniggered grabbing a handful of his prays dark hair to force his tearing face to level with his. His legs bucked forward standing on toe tips to crash in to the only body that was present... wimping for what his body was doing ' you know Harry ... it's commonly used when men grow too old to find their desire as in youth.. to function intimately...strictly advised not to be used on teen bodies by healers I must say because it aggravates the functions of body to five times more than usual...especially the sensual activities of intimacy. However ... delightful to see you wiggle like a fish out of water to snuggle in to me... Harry ...' then he laughed... cold... mirthless, and let go of the agitated body stepping back. Harry hung from his wrists, burning, unable to access what his battered self was urging.. He could only scream and tug at his wrists pathetically and hopelessly to satisfy his bodily lust greeding over his enemy. Voldemort provoked him occasionally closing in on him or touching him only with his wand...

After what seemed like hours Voldemort got tired of his pathetic pray who had gone still due to burning urge of each and every cell in his body. He released the spell and the shackles holding the roughly cut wrists and let Harry fall on to the floor like a rag doll. His tears long dried and limbs frozen... he craved a drop of water which he knew he wouldn't get here... he lie there as he fell, eyes looking in to nothing and mouth gapping to heave on his breath with a pathetic moan. He only sensed Voldemort circling around him with something slithering along with him whispering more unclear sounds. And the number circling him increased... he could tell... but he didn't bother to look up... he knew Voldemort had summoned in few of his death eaters... four maybe three... to torture him. He had no strength... though nothing bound him this time.

he did not try to conceal his gasps or whimper as they kicked him in abdomen first with booted feet then by leather belts..nor when held him up by hair forcing him to stand on weak knees and slapped him over and over demanding his whereabouts... but he knew answering is not an option... he was beyond whimpering when they pushed him back to the floor on his back and ripped off what was left of his clothes and forced in to him without warning rough and raw... his hands were held in an iron grip and knees bent to chest... he only gasped with soundless tears ... as they ravaged his body one after the other... he couldn't count how many... but it is when he woke... out of anguish and unbearable pain... as they fired _cruciatus_ at him while raping his body... with the pleasure of filling him with their releases... tainting...

He vomited... heaving, all he had eaten making a mess. He felt tugs at his wrists and ankles as he tried to coil in. he chocked in his breath uncomfortably... he wanted to curl in to a ball but he was bound spread angled which made him panic for an instant... Hermione... or McGonagall... He remembered. He stilled as he was... trying to breathe out of his gasps... he closed his eyes to black breathing...filling himself with air... out somewhere in a corner he heard someone sobbing... But he has no strength left to look who that was... he stayed unmoving for some time as the sobbing continued... he was on the floor... he realized after sometime...

...

Well ... what do you think? Any comments..?


	10. 9 Limited Expressions

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a property of J.K. Rowling. All copy writes received by her. I'm just trying to get this story out of my head...  
**  
Warning: This story contains angst, violence, self harm and sexual situations. RATED K+ /T FOR MOST CHAPTERS.

I will be putting warnings when it's at its highest.  
_A / N: Well I'm updating this story after a long time. Sorry about that. But I was focusing more on my other story. But I'm not abandoning this. Will update and finish this as soon as I'm able to. _

_The story is set after half blood prince and deathly hollows never happened. __**Warnings for language.**_

_..._

'Don't remember when it started exactly.' said Harry in a hollow voice. They sat on the small dining table of the suite. Harry looked much normal now, washed, mended and changed from the one she had to tie down to prevent cutting and scraping himself with trashing .

He looked tired as if he had just recovered from a fatal illness. But in reality Hermione knew that this was far from over. Harry touched his forehead lightly, looking at his own hand on the table as if it was very interesting thing to look at. 'I just remember getting these dream kind of visions, time to time when I slept- I thought they were dreams, nothing more.' Harry sighed as if almost mocking himself. He rested his head on his palms as if in thought.

Hermione waited. She wanted him to tell her everything. But she did not want to push as McGonagall told her to. She realized how hard this must be for him. _'He scrapes my mind' _he had said earlier, just before passing out and starting to thrash himself out of his wits. She slightly smoothed his hair and waited. Harry stood straight again and his face was stoic.

'I thought they were dreams first, because…- it always contained him... him threatening to find me or kill people. But they were not frequent. So I kept trying to do other stuff. Find the horcruxes and destroy them or document where they were and clues. I did find few.' Harry looked at her now. Hermione thought she saw sadness there, a line of pain which he was so used to cope alone.

'You got them only when you were asleep at night?' this sounds a bit like what happened when they were in year 5 – she remembered visions Harry had. But what she couldn't understand was why he was not able to stop them being a star at occluding thoughts since age of seventeen.

'At first, so I started taking dreamless potions. That did help for some time. Not for long. I started occluding then, which did start to work. But I kept losing my grip and the visions became frequent.' Harry looked at his hands again as ashamed. 'Lost grip? How? ' Harry was one of the best occlumences she ever knew. How could he loose grip? 'You were good at it as well as Snape's good at potions...' Harry's eyes stared sharply at her for a moment with the mention of the name. Harry knew Snape practically owned the school now doesn't he?

'Visions got frequent- and once it started it lasted longer,' Harry looked at her directly now and his face empty as ever. ', and… he started torturing me.'

There was a silence.

'What do you mean?' Hermione asked in the end – Harry kept his eyes on hers and Hermione did only see calmness in there. How could he be calm when he was explaining that he was tortured?

'Time to time I would see myself with him as you are here with me now. Not always when it started, but it got frequent with time. Now it's only that.' he ran his hand through his hair maybe to remain calm himself. 'It feels real … - the pain, burning… bleeding, as if I'm physically there.' Harry smiled bitterly shaking his head lightly. 'He's ripping me apart, demanding the whereabouts. He wants me to go to him, give in.' Hermione reached for Harry's hand, squeezing it. He looks hollow as he speaks as if he's detached from himself, as if talking about someone else. 'But it's not real isn't it? He's making you see things. Provoking you to feel unsecured'

'I feel it when I'm in it, Hermione.' He said warily. 'I can't sleep.. I can't feel either. Whenever I lose grip, allow myself to feel or breath, he takes over…' Harry stands up leaving Hermione's hand carefully on the table turning his back to her. 'I'm so tired… I don't think I can hold much longer anymore.'

'Where do you go?' Hermione asked quietly.

'go?' -

'Where are you, when he takes over? What do you see around?' – 'I don't know, chambers, dungeons, stone beds. What does it matter?'

'Harry, you might be experiencing some post bad experience situation. It's common among people who went through hard times.'

'- hard times?' Harry repeated blankly turning to her again.

'Harry, I know you were kidnapped back three years ago,' Harry stared at her without any words or signs. 'I can guess the things you might have endured there,'- 'Can you?' Harry asked point blank cutting her short. Hermione bit her lip. She feared this whole thing might be a result of what he was endured to cope up after Merlin knows what in the hands of death eaters. It could be a possibility.

'Harry, I know it sounds ridicules. But you have to consider the possibilities that this whole thing might have something to do with what happened to you no matter its just four days'

'Hermione, - he said almost sarcastically. 'I'm not crazy!'

'I'm not saying that. But it can be a condition in your mind because You Know Who did play this game once. It's highly unlikely that he start playing it again let along win over it… you passed this stage of occluding before when you were about seventeen .'

Harry sighed as if he didn't want to hear no more. 'You know what? - He said emptily again squeezing the bridge of his nose. 'I can't do this now; I'm too tired to go in to another session of getting fucked. Three in a row is just enough… I'll talk to you tomorrow.'

'Harry, please… listen' – 'No listen to what I'm trying to tell you, Hermione'. Harry sounded controlled.

'I'm not sick. And I'm not crazy. YES! They fucked me big time as much as anyone can be fucked for few days, but I survived… Tom is playing me to give in. he carves rips me apart in ways you possibly can't imagine. And each time it happens, it's real to me. Real as same as this second I'm spending, trying to talk to you. It makes me weak, makes my defenses lower each time… making it harder for me to hold it next time. Whenever I'm weak or off guard it gives him a chance as what happened today. I cannot risk being off guard. I will talk to you tomorrow. Please. Go and sleep. You need some rest too'

* * *

It was a cold night. The knocks continued to hammer his doors.

Remus Lupin couldn't imagine why Minerva had wanted to visit him this late. He checked the watch. 2.24 a.m. Was it something to do with Harry? He got off the bed ignoring his protesting limbs and dragged himself to the door. He was in a small cottage in a deserted land near Hogshead. Only Minerva knew of his residence here, being its secret keeper. The three knocks and one knock followed again- the usual identifying knock of Minerva.

'Who is it?' he asked leaning to the door.

'Phoenix' a voice answered. He unlocked the door with three taps with his wand hoping to see the old stern face of the Hogwarts Professor, but instead he looked in to a much younger and a generous looking face.

'Hermione! What are you..-

'can I come in?' she asked breathless. He could see her shivering; no wonder it's a cold night.

'Yes please do. What can I do for you?' he said making space for her to enter and closing the door behind him.

The brown haired girl hastily removed her cap and looked at him as if the clock was ticking ten times faster than it usually did. 'I want you to tell me everything you know about Harry after he left us three years back until you brought him here yesterday.'

* * *

to the next chapter. Do comment


End file.
